Think about that and see if you can spot the loopholes. Just two days ago John Pistole, chief of the TSA, explained that although a bomb could perhaps be concealed in a body cavity, it would require an exterior triggering device. We don't yet have to bend over and spread our cheeks. Even though the scanners cannot see items concealed in body cavities. An asshole named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab put a bomb in his underwear and now we get our netherlands plundered. An asshole named Richard Reid put a bomb in his shoe and now we all have to take off our shoes. Every time there was a loophole, it was closed. How did we get into this dilemma? After 9/11 there was a perfectly logical fear of terrorism. He was heavy-set for a jackal.īut wait a minute. ![]() In those days I guess we looked a little alike. It turned out they thought I might be Carlos the Jackal. Two officers materialized beside me at Passport Control and invited me to accompany them. That was many years ago at London Heathrow. Only once have I been called aside for a private interview. My policy is to cooperate, because these are not evil people and they're only trying to do their jobs. They have a letter from the doctor, but usually the TSA supervisor has to be called over. Meanwhile Chaz and Millie, my care provider, are trying to get through security with my medicines, my cans of liquid food, stuff like that. ![]() Because if I look like the Phantom of the Opera now, you don't want to see me with my bandage off. I made a mental note: Tell Chaz to bring along gauze and tape in case the bandage is removed and has to be replaced. At Palm Springs airport not long ago, a TSA agent was eyeing the gauze around my neck suspiciously. I go through the machines and get the pat down. They don't give me a pass, but they're nice. Nobody any more ever says to me, "You know who you look like?" I look like Roger Ebert, the guy with the missing jaw and the bandages around his neck, that's who I look like. In Chicago especially, they know who I am. I'm almost always treated kindly by TSA agents. These rich people fly everywhere and I've hardly been on a plane, and they don't know how good they have it. I need this job to put food on the table. All I want to do is finish my shift and get out of this f**king place and get home to my family. So I'm this TSA agent, and what am I thinking? It's Thanksgiving. A small event in childhood can have a domino effect in your life. I had radiation beamed into my ear as a kid, to cure an ear infection, and look at me now. Are some of these incidents traumatic enough for younger travelers that they could produce similar results? We're great in this country about doing things that are "good" for children. They say most child abusers were abused as children. Now the kid is flying on an airplane for the first time, and daddy has been pulled aside by a man in a uniform, who must be a cop, and daddy and mommy may be arrested for all he knows, and another cop-looking man is feeling around down there, and daddy can't stop him. ![]() He's always told the kid if anyone ever tries that, just call dad and he'll clock the son of a bitch. So I'm standing there, explaining to some guy why he can't be with his kid while the terrified kid gets his groin groped. ![]() He's at a much higher pay grade and his job depends on my job. And I have to follow the letter of the law, because my supervisor is watching me with an eagle eye. If they miss their flight, they lose their discount fare and don't get to see their loved ones. The airports are jammed with non-frequent fliers, all in a hurry to get somewhere for the holiday. Thanksgiving is the busiest time of the year for air travel. I don't want to see a little boy, bawling his head off, whose parents have raised suspicions with the TSA and who therefore must have his wee-wee area checked. I don't want to stand there and look at a man walking toward me whose genitals I must touch, however vaguely. Now it involves what can only be described as a tactful grope. Until recently this involved using the backs of the hands. Those who refuse the scanners or otherwise raise questions are given a full-body pat down. Now they have to look at x-ray scans of the bodies of every passenger boarding an airline. When they were first hired, the job consisted of looking at x-rays of hand luggage, passing a wand near a passenger, and watching them walk through a metal detector, and sometimes performing a non-intimate pat down.
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